(The honest reality of my circumstance and the eternal reality of my God)
I find myself sitting in my living room at this late hour sick to my stomach with dread. Dread of my family leaving, dread of vacation being over, and most of all dread of going back to school. There's a pit in the bottom of my stomach because I feel so unprepared and I can't sleep because my mind is racing with all of the things I have to get done before school starts again. What do you do when you can't shake the feeling of dread? One of the only outlets that we as Christians have is to cry to God. Sometimes it is the only outlet we have. A part from that we can pour truth into our hearts and our minds. This evening I had an encouraging talk with my dad that reminded me that all of these things I'm facing are just circumstantial. The school work, the living in Honduras, the being away from friends and family... it's all just circumstances. The only reason that any of them should cause such a dread within me is if I have my eyes fixed on them rather than Christ. It sounds like foolishness to those who are perishing, but to those of us who are being saved it is the glory of God. Let's review some truths that I'm going to have no choice but to stake my trust in these next few months and, Lord willing, the rest of my life:
1. God is bigger than ANYTHING I face. The mountains may get bigger and bigger for the rest of my life, but it will only be so that I can continue to increase my understanding of how big God is as I understand how he is bigger than all of them. May my eyes be opened more and more as I move forward.
2. Only Christ can live the life he has called me to. I cannot do it. If I could do it, then he would not receive the glory. My participation in the story of his glory spurns from his ability to do the impossible, first by saving me and second by being able to use me for good. And my eternal joy can only come from surrendering to that end.
3. Failure in a worldly sense is not something to fear. The only thing I should fear is God himself, the one who has the right to judge and the mercy to send his son to divert his judgement that we might live. Failure at a job, in the eyes of men, in the eyes of the world is not a terrible thing. It can be a painful thing, but worldly success cannot satisfy and men do not determine my worth. Only the blood of a priceless Savior can do that.
4. As my mom continually reminds me: I am still his masterpiece. Eph 2:10. No matter how I perform, fail, fall on my face, or succeed I am his masterpiece. Perfect in his eyes, worth saving, and not worthless. He spent his life redeeming me. I am worth something great to him, mostly because his glory is worth something so great and his choice to save me demonstrates that glory to the nth degree.
5. Faith is about seeing past the things in front of my face, leaning hard into my heavenly Father, and putting my hope in the things not yet seen. It is hard, very hard sometimes especially when there is pain or turmoil involved. But it is a choice that we have the power to make. I have to choose to not let myself be blinded by the things around me and to fix my eyes on the author and perfecter of my faith. Christ wrote my faith and he perfects my faith. It is my faith, but it is his work in me. What a beautiful conundrum. If that's the right word for it.
Here's the bottom line: Life is hard. God is good. Faith is about seeing past the hard to the truth about a good God who has promised to deliver those who call upon his name. It may not mean rescue from the sorrows of today. It may not mean an end to hardship. It may not mean relief from afflicting circumstances. But it does mean what it means, deliverance. Deliverance from staking our lives on things that don't matter. Deliverance from a purposeless existence that fades like the mist. Deliverance from our own weakness and sin. Deliverance from all of the prisons and chains that bind our hearts, minds, and souls. He promises to deliver those who call upon his name. Those who put their trust in him. The only thing to fear is taking my eyes off of him and trusting in anything else.
I dare not trust the sweetest frame, but wholly lean on Jesus' name...
On Christ the solid rock I stand, all other ground is sinking sand, all other ground is sinking sand.
Monday, December 27, 2010
The Belated Birthday Post...
Just finished adding photos to the following post, lol. There's just not a lot of down time here, even during vacation!...
This past weekend was my 22nd birthday (I say weekend because we celebrated ALL weekend :-). Most of my friends said they were starting to feel old when they turned this age but I still feel like a baby. Maybe it has to do with the fact that I know that I've got 4 more years of school ahead of me, I'm not getting married, and I'm not having to look for a real person job yet. It does feel like it has been a really long year though. Last year this time I was in the middle of applying to medical school, still finishing 1st semester senior year, and had no clue I'd be in Honduras even though I was swinging at a pinata in the backyard. It's funny how life can change so quickly. I hope it never stops changing like this. Life is so much more of an adventure when you don't know where you're going to be the next year.
Anyhow, my birthday fell on a Monday this year (slightly unfortunate) but it meant that we had celebrations all weekend long :-) A bunch of our friends from the University came over for lunch on Saturday and yes I got icing in my face... somewhat of a tradition that I should've been perceptive enough to anticipate, but I was too distracted by the pretty cake! I mean look at it! It's gorgeous!
And what birthday would be complete without a little Lord of the Rings thrown into the mix :-D
Later that night the Brewsters came over for our traditional Saturday night cards but we also decorated our newly purchased Christmas tree and had Birthday pancakes (a Brewster-family tradition), melted candle and all.
Just for the record, Emily and I won at Spades that night and I won Hearts being the only player not to have shot the moon. Fun times.
Now, Monday, the actual birthday, the best roommate in the world got up really early, made pancakes (again!), decorated with balloons (from my mom), and organized the students at school to get me soaked with water (another Honduran tradition), but she has all of those pictures.
It was a great birthday away from home. Thanks, Em.
This past weekend was my 22nd birthday (I say weekend because we celebrated ALL weekend :-). Most of my friends said they were starting to feel old when they turned this age but I still feel like a baby. Maybe it has to do with the fact that I know that I've got 4 more years of school ahead of me, I'm not getting married, and I'm not having to look for a real person job yet. It does feel like it has been a really long year though. Last year this time I was in the middle of applying to medical school, still finishing 1st semester senior year, and had no clue I'd be in Honduras even though I was swinging at a pinata in the backyard. It's funny how life can change so quickly. I hope it never stops changing like this. Life is so much more of an adventure when you don't know where you're going to be the next year.
Anyhow, my birthday fell on a Monday this year (slightly unfortunate) but it meant that we had celebrations all weekend long :-) A bunch of our friends from the University came over for lunch on Saturday and yes I got icing in my face... somewhat of a tradition that I should've been perceptive enough to anticipate, but I was too distracted by the pretty cake! I mean look at it! It's gorgeous!
Later that night the Brewsters came over for our traditional Saturday night cards but we also decorated our newly purchased Christmas tree and had Birthday pancakes (a Brewster-family tradition), melted candle and all.
Just for the record, Emily and I won at Spades that night and I won Hearts being the only player not to have shot the moon. Fun times.
Now, Monday, the actual birthday, the best roommate in the world got up really early, made pancakes (again!), decorated with balloons (from my mom), and organized the students at school to get me soaked with water (another Honduran tradition), but she has all of those pictures.
It was a great birthday away from home. Thanks, Em.
Saturday, December 11, 2010
Christmas Vaca, Day One
Once again it's been a shamefully long time since I've written. It's been two weeks since my birthday and I have yet to write about the three-ish parties, the Christmas decorating, the glue bottle explosion, and getting drenched with water by the students at school. But, rather than catching up on all of that right now, let's talk about last night...
The first evening of our Christmas vacation. We spent the afternoon at the hogar and grabbed a quick (and cheap!) dinner of baleadas with the Brewsters then headed to the park. It was the night of the Honduras Filarmonica (philharmonic) concert at the cathedral (which you have to know is predominantly located beside the park) and also the night of the richest neighborhood's turn to provide the entertainment in the park for this week long Christmas celebration. Apparently they usually do a grand fireworks display.
So we get to the park and start walking around waiting for our friends to arrive and see a small area of the park roped off with wooden frames holding lots of poles. As we got closer to see what was going on it hit us that those were the fireworks. Right in the middle of the park and the people, roped off so that maybe ten feet separated the crowd and the frames. But don't worry. Nearby were three highly trained red cross volunteers and guards with guns were everywhere. Ha! Welcome to Honduras.
We met up with our friends and wandered outside the cathedral to listen to the orchestra play from outside rather than pay the 100 limps to get in. A few minutes later one of the local girls with us grabbed my arm telling me to come, walked right past the ticket table and worker and sat down in one of the back rows of the cathedral. I couldn't get her to tell me what she said to the lady to get her to let us in without paying, but I was glad she did. We listened to a few pieces I recognized but couldn't name and then... Lord of the Rings medley! I was so happy :-) But whoever decided this concert should be on the same night as the fireworks made a terrible decision. As soon as the medley was over we started hearing some large "booms" outside. The others wanted to stay but Emily and I headed outside to see.
It was a little disappointing when we stepped outside because the fireworks were the standard ones here that fly into the air, pop with a small flash, and that's it. At first they started just a few, then several at a time, and after about three minutes it got old. Then out of nowhere the real fireworks started! We were standing right under them beside the Cathedral and it was fantastic! Like ten minutes of what firework finales look like in the states! You couldn't see into the park the smoke was so thick and several of the firework casings (still glowing embers) fell right into the crowd. Oh yeah, and did I mention that some of the fireworks were being set off just to the side of some electrical poles and wires? Lol. No one was seriously injured, but I could see it happening pretty easily.
Next was the "Reyes de la Punta" band outside (yes, with the orchestra still playing inside). The band's name means the kings of the Punta, Punta being a very fast traditional Honduran dance/music style. And of course we run into the University boys from the hogar and of course they insist on pushing our way through the crowd to the very center of the crowd and of course they insist on getting the American to dance too. Lol. All I can say is that I hope no students were there any more and that if they were they forget anything they saw by the time we get back to school!
Fun times:-)
The first evening of our Christmas vacation. We spent the afternoon at the hogar and grabbed a quick (and cheap!) dinner of baleadas with the Brewsters then headed to the park. It was the night of the Honduras Filarmonica (philharmonic) concert at the cathedral (which you have to know is predominantly located beside the park) and also the night of the richest neighborhood's turn to provide the entertainment in the park for this week long Christmas celebration. Apparently they usually do a grand fireworks display.
So we get to the park and start walking around waiting for our friends to arrive and see a small area of the park roped off with wooden frames holding lots of poles. As we got closer to see what was going on it hit us that those were the fireworks. Right in the middle of the park and the people, roped off so that maybe ten feet separated the crowd and the frames. But don't worry. Nearby were three highly trained red cross volunteers and guards with guns were everywhere. Ha! Welcome to Honduras.
We met up with our friends and wandered outside the cathedral to listen to the orchestra play from outside rather than pay the 100 limps to get in. A few minutes later one of the local girls with us grabbed my arm telling me to come, walked right past the ticket table and worker and sat down in one of the back rows of the cathedral. I couldn't get her to tell me what she said to the lady to get her to let us in without paying, but I was glad she did. We listened to a few pieces I recognized but couldn't name and then... Lord of the Rings medley! I was so happy :-) But whoever decided this concert should be on the same night as the fireworks made a terrible decision. As soon as the medley was over we started hearing some large "booms" outside. The others wanted to stay but Emily and I headed outside to see.
It was a little disappointing when we stepped outside because the fireworks were the standard ones here that fly into the air, pop with a small flash, and that's it. At first they started just a few, then several at a time, and after about three minutes it got old. Then out of nowhere the real fireworks started! We were standing right under them beside the Cathedral and it was fantastic! Like ten minutes of what firework finales look like in the states! You couldn't see into the park the smoke was so thick and several of the firework casings (still glowing embers) fell right into the crowd. Oh yeah, and did I mention that some of the fireworks were being set off just to the side of some electrical poles and wires? Lol. No one was seriously injured, but I could see it happening pretty easily.
Next was the "Reyes de la Punta" band outside (yes, with the orchestra still playing inside). The band's name means the kings of the Punta, Punta being a very fast traditional Honduran dance/music style. And of course we run into the University boys from the hogar and of course they insist on pushing our way through the crowd to the very center of the crowd and of course they insist on getting the American to dance too. Lol. All I can say is that I hope no students were there any more and that if they were they forget anything they saw by the time we get back to school!
Fun times:-)
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